the void part deux, or illusion illusion all around

Not long after I posted the last post about the void, I went back to Start Where You Are and almost immediately came upon a section that deals with dualism.  I realized, my whole void spiel could lead to a sense of duality, which is not where I wanted to go.  (By dualism here, I mean an idea of separateness, a convenient setup to categorize one thing as an "other", or different.)

I also chanced to look out the window, and the shadows of the leaves dancing on my roof made me think about the void being present.  Not outside my little sphere, not somewhere else, but the void is here too.  Shadows are absence of light - they can be seen, but are they manifest?  Are they... something?  So many things are not manifest, not "here", but are - thoughts, emotions, for example.  They are causations, certainly - we say we do things because of them.   But are they things?  Do they have existence?  What about the soul?  What is that?  Or spirit?  Or personality?

Yeah.  My little sphere of what I can hear, touch, see - it's an illusion.  If nothing else, it's as full of the void as what I imagined outside of it.  Nothing can be put safely away somewhere else.

I had been thinking of what was in the void, what I would have liked to relegate to the void.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Death.  Death practically equals the void.  The boogie monster, or whoever that is who is hiding under the bed/in the closet/beneath the stairs to the basement.  He lives in the void, and if only I could find a way to keep him from leaping out at me when I least expect it!

Never.  Never is of the void.  Never has become the scariest word in the English language to me.  I hate never.

But none of these things are really in the void, just as the void really is not somewhere else.  The void is right here, by my side.  Shadowing my every step.  Containing the monsters and the demons and the never.  They don't need to leap - they are right there.  Not a far distance at all.

And back I go, trying to learn how not to struggle anymore.

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I had my first after-school-let's-do-the-homework session with my Little yesterday, and I'm already fail!  We worked on science, not math, because the science was mathlike and she didn't have her book to do the math.  It was fine, until we got to the extra credit problem.  She said, "I don't have to do that", and I said, all enthusiastically, "Oh, but we do, it's extra credit and it's practice and it'll be great!!!"

Then we proceeded to stare at it for half an hour, until she finally said, "Maybe I should just ask my teacher..." and I had to concede I couldn't do it.  Now I'm determined to figure it out.  I know someone who is going to laugh at me heartily when he hears about this.
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Today I feel like a cork bobbling on the surface of a slightly wavy ocean, wondering where am I going and how is this going to all end up?

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the void (or the sphere of sensibility)

Dealing with some loss, and the griefing process, and also still with Shambhala and Pema Chodron,  I've had some.... not depressing thoughts, but... um.... thoughtful thoughts.

I'm not sure when I started thinking about the void.  Maybe it was last week, when I decided to cancel the cable.  I used to be a rabid television watcher, but the first part of this year I stopped almost completely.  (BP?  Oil spill?  Huh?)  Going back to it this summer, I noticed I wasn't really watching it, so much as endlessly flipping through the channels in search of something TO watch.  There was not much interesting to see.  And WAY too many commercials.  Plus, Comcast has added a crawl on the bottom of the screen, something about "digital improvements" blah blah blah - which will either cost me more money per month, or it means I have to buy a new television because mine isn't... digital enough, I guess.

I called Comcast to find out, and the customer service woman implied that I was stealing channels - getting channels that I wasn't paying for.  As if I had hacked it.  Which I didn't.  I can't help it if they can't keep track of what gets piped into my home.  Anyway, she made it very easy to cancel it in an indignant huff.  Plus, I'm getting a new ISP, so I think I'll be able to stream most shows I want to see.  And I have 464 movies on my list at Netflix.  There will be plenty to watch.

Still, there is a sense of losing a connection to the world.  The ability to see things in real time - watching the news on September 11th comes to mind.  But for the most part, it doesn't seem to be information I need to know, or that has any real bearing on my life, or that I can't access elsewhere, like the library or the internet.

It does, however, seem to make me be less present to what is directly around me.

I had this thought, a few days ago, that the only things I can truly know are those things directly in my line of sight.  Or smell, or taste, or touch, or hear.  As if there is a sphere of sensibility that surrounds me, and moves with me, and that is what I can actually know.

And it is all I can know.  Everything beyond, or outside of the sphere, is essentially void.  I cannot know it, I cannot possess it, I cannot control anything outside the sphere.  I have to trust, as I move around, that my body carries the sphere of sensibility with it, so I can be present anywhere - but then the other stuff no longer in the sphere becomes void.

The visual of it is not unlike the photos of the planet Earth as it drifts in space.  All the blackness of the void.  Kinda scary :(

These electronic things - cell phones, internet, television - seem to extend our sphere of sensibility.  Little thin lines of electrons spewing out to and fro, circling the world.  If you are very active... well, there's a reason they call it the web.

Yet, the digital age is so ephemeral.  Not like when you used to get a postcard, or a letter.  If it were special, it gets a pretty box, and the letter lives in it, and the box lives in a special drawer.  Go to the box, open the drawer, take the letter out and look at it again.  Hold it in your hand, and show it to other people.  Eventually, it would show the wear and tear, the patina of the journey, developing a worn spot where your fingers touch it, and a fine progression of wrinkles where the paper bends as you turn it over time and time again.

Now, in our digital age, when the line is cut, it's gone.  No evidence that it - the feeling, the thought, the memory, even the person - even existed.  Disposable.  Don't even have to carry out the trash.

Poof.

It's one reason I think I am really going to like this business that I am starting - silver charms for charm bracelets.  Little shiny memories, feelings and thoughts you can roll around in your fingertips.  Keeping the void at bay.

I know, I know.  That's an illusion, too.  Paper doesn't last.  Silver doesn't last.  In some ways, maybe the digital age is more honest.  The void is ever encroaching, bigger than our powers can comprehend.  

As I said elsewhere, it is why we must be brave.

Sound depressing?  It could be.  But I realized this morning - what Shambhala is trying to teach me is that the only way to live, the only way to keep the darkness at bay as a human being, is to remain open.  To know and accept that the void is there, to shine the light as bright as possible, and to expand the sphere - this gift of existence that I have been given - as much as I can.

Ephemeral or not.  :)
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