The past week has been frigid and overcast. This morning, I awoke early, and was greeted a few minutes later by a beautiful sunrise. Some rosy pink tinges on a few remaining wispy clouds, surrounded by the brilliant blue New Mexico sky. Storms and grey all blown off to other lands.
It's garbage day, and while playing backgammon online with a new Italian friend who was already anticipating his New Year's Eve festivities in Naples, I heard the sounds of our morning, the recycling truck pounding away at the glass and plastic bins. So, I was too late to be a responsible recycler again in 2010, but off I went to put on my boots and take out the trash.
It is still bitterly cold, and the garage door opener cannot manage to haul the door up all the way. I stood there a few moments, pushing the button, up down up down, and at least I got it far enough that my car could squeeze out. I looked out onto the bright snow, and became obsessed with the idea of cleaning the garage floor.
First I took the trash out - lucky me, the trash truck had not come! So, the last of this year's detritus waits for the dump, and I thought about it going to live for years, perhaps thousands of years, with the muck that couldn't be recycled. I will try to be more thoughtful about that in the days to come. Then I shuffled over the icy drive of stones back to my house, and I turned the car on, and pulled it out, so I could sweep.
All kinds of dirt on that cement. Old wrappers, old spiders, old stencils from an art project with my Little, old shreds of whatever. Bits of broken eco lightbulbs from when the hazardous waste recycling tipped over. Even fragments from last year - I collect glass Christmas ornaments in the shapes of foods, and while I didn't put up a tree this year, I did last year. I remembered that the box containing my set of golden walnuts had slipped open, and one had fallen out and shattered. It was hollow, and it was odd to look at the molded smooth shapes of the shell from the inside with its jagged edges. There were still broken bits of gold walnut amidst the dust and the grime scattered across the floor.
It has been far too long, since I have swept out the old. Today is a great time to start again. My toes and my fingers were frozen from the biting of the cold, but I set to work. There was the broom, propped in the garage corner, part of its bristles missing from when I cut them off to try a casting experiment, which failed. But the broom has plenty of bristles left, so swish swish swish, all the dirt and past and sharp edged bits are pushed easily into a pile. The sweeping reminds me of the artist, Daniel Brush, who makes sweeping with a broom a part of his artistic routine. A trip inside the house for a dustpan and a paperbag, so the glass doesn't cut the garbageman - and I think about the garbageman and how cold his hands must be on a day like today. My hands warm up from the work, maybe his hands warm up, too.
There is more dirt than I expected, most of it grime, dust, and sand that nature has driven in through cracks in the walls and the door. In the piles, I find gum wrappers and weird bits of hard plastic of unknown origin and then I find a penny, and then I find a second! And I welcome them as a harbinger, to becoming one of two this coming year.
Not long ago, I wrote a letter to someone. In it, I warned to be careful of what is created. We all create things - we are human, we create things all the time. The warning was about creating something by omission. Something new is always coming along, and if we decide to do something, or not to do something, that creates something new whether we intend it to or not. It is the way of the world - a new year, a new moon, a new obstacle, a new wish, always. It is life. But, by deciding not to do something, or even by not deciding, we may unintentionally create something we don't want.
These piles of dirt and dust were something I created. I didn't put the dust there, but I hadn't shoo'd it out, either. And that's fine, I am not judging myself, and now they are gone. As I look forward into this New Year, I want to remember to carry my broom with me, sweep away the old, and create the new, with intention and not by omission.
Let's grab our brooms! Let's poke around in the dusty corners, get rid of the cobwebs, and create something new for ourselves! And this time next year, we'll be looking back once again. Much will be the same, and much will be different and new. Here's hoping that the same and the new will all be for the good, our best intentions worked on and worked out and realized, and that we enjoyed the journey that we start now - ready or not! - and again! - to create for ourselves.
Happy New Year!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
hmmmm
I didn't realize it had been that long since I had posted!
I have been taking a class, and my teacher Diane wanted us to come up with a project. Inspired by something I read in "The Seed Handbook" by Lynne Franks, I decided upon seeds.
Here are the results of the project so far:
I had a lot of fun experimenting with the different shapes - these are the pieces just after casting. The sprue in the back I include, simply because Diane made the comment that it looks like the tree one would find outside a hobbit's house.
I would like to continue with the seeds idea - I greatly enjoyed the boundary of "what is a seed?" and trying to develop a vocabulary of form. As you can see from these examples, I went all over the map. But so far, I think I have nine in the series that are cohesive. Or slightly cohesive.
I'll show the finished product soon - I'm excited about making these into earrings, bracelets, and pendants in various combinations.
I have been taking a class, and my teacher Diane wanted us to come up with a project. Inspired by something I read in "The Seed Handbook" by Lynne Franks, I decided upon seeds.
Here are the results of the project so far:
I had a lot of fun experimenting with the different shapes - these are the pieces just after casting. The sprue in the back I include, simply because Diane made the comment that it looks like the tree one would find outside a hobbit's house.
I would like to continue with the seeds idea - I greatly enjoyed the boundary of "what is a seed?" and trying to develop a vocabulary of form. As you can see from these examples, I went all over the map. But so far, I think I have nine in the series that are cohesive. Or slightly cohesive.
I'll show the finished product soon - I'm excited about making these into earrings, bracelets, and pendants in various combinations.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
slowly....
slowly......
careful....
ooh, careful...
This is my third attempt at carving these very tiny oars. I have broken the last two, they were too small and I was not delicate enough with them. This third time I started in a different way - so far so good. I also drove to Albuquerque yesterday and invested in some new tools, so hopefully that will help. The goal is to get them completed by Monday and off to the caster.
_______________________________________________________
careful....
ooh, careful...
This is my third attempt at carving these very tiny oars. I have broken the last two, they were too small and I was not delicate enough with them. This third time I started in a different way - so far so good. I also drove to Albuquerque yesterday and invested in some new tools, so hopefully that will help. The goal is to get them completed by Monday and off to the caster.
_______________________________________________________
Saturday, September 25, 2010
heaven will be dripping...
An almost perfect day...
Up at sunrise...
Pick up little sister... (and she's ready to go!)
Breakfast burritos and coffee to begin...
A long drive filled with talk and laughter - boys, school, more boys, more laughter... my own troubles are left far behind, and I am able to be fully present in her life, in the moment...
We arrive and spend a few hours in this...
Yes, the UPickIt field of raspberries. Heaven. Literal heaven. The field worker flirting and warning us not to eat too much (but they don't watch, we try not to be lil piggies), the rows are slightly squishy from the rain during the week, but the weather today is divine - not a cloud in the sky, a light breeze, the grasshoppers and bees have come out to play. And in this bright green field of orderly rows under a perfect blue sky, haphazard dots and dots and dots of raspberry red, just waiting for us...
Then when we've tasted and picked 4 pounds and wandered the property and visited the store and picked 4 more pounds, we drive home. We stop for ice cream as lunch, and we play the banana game (slap your friend in the arm if you see the yellow car first, and shout "banana!") and we add an orange car variant and we listen to new music and decide which we like....
I take her home and leave her with 4 pounds of raspberries, her little brother trying already to get at them, and then I drive home with my 4 pounds (let's guess how long they last... tomorrow? maybe the next day? if they're lucky...) and I carve oars and feel the sunburn start to sting on the back of my neck and think about making a raspberry charm... silver raspberries, how lovely that might be...
I believe heaven will be dripping with raspberries.
_______________________________________________________
Up at sunrise...
Pick up little sister... (and she's ready to go!)
Breakfast burritos and coffee to begin...
A long drive filled with talk and laughter - boys, school, more boys, more laughter... my own troubles are left far behind, and I am able to be fully present in her life, in the moment...
We arrive and spend a few hours in this...
Yes, the UPickIt field of raspberries. Heaven. Literal heaven. The field worker flirting and warning us not to eat too much (but they don't watch, we try not to be lil piggies), the rows are slightly squishy from the rain during the week, but the weather today is divine - not a cloud in the sky, a light breeze, the grasshoppers and bees have come out to play. And in this bright green field of orderly rows under a perfect blue sky, haphazard dots and dots and dots of raspberry red, just waiting for us...
Then when we've tasted and picked 4 pounds and wandered the property and visited the store and picked 4 more pounds, we drive home. We stop for ice cream as lunch, and we play the banana game (slap your friend in the arm if you see the yellow car first, and shout "banana!") and we add an orange car variant and we listen to new music and decide which we like....
I take her home and leave her with 4 pounds of raspberries, her little brother trying already to get at them, and then I drive home with my 4 pounds (let's guess how long they last... tomorrow? maybe the next day? if they're lucky...) and I carve oars and feel the sunburn start to sting on the back of my neck and think about making a raspberry charm... silver raspberries, how lovely that might be...
I believe heaven will be dripping with raspberries.
_______________________________________________________
Labels:
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silver charms,
tunes
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
why Shambhala is related to creativity
I remembered to ask my teacher yesterday.
Courage.
Shambhala is about courage.
Making art is about courage.
_______________________________________________________
Courage.
Shambhala is about courage.
Making art is about courage.
_______________________________________________________
Monday, September 20, 2010
how to float
I am a visual thinker. For the most part, I can't understand or learn anything without seeing it. When I was trying (and failing) to learn Spanish, I had to visualize the words and sentences in my mind in order to comprehend them. My teacher, who was very good, cautioned the class against doing that, but I couldn't help it. Consequently, I got as far as the conjunctive tense and felt like I couldn't go any farther. Maybe someday, I'll try again.
So, I have a tendency to mentally see things in visions or imagery, but not in a predictive or supernatural way. Not even usually in a dream, although these things come to me sometimes just as I wake up. It's just the way my mind functions. It's how I understand and process things, lots of visual analogies and metaphors.
This is the vision from the weekend. I pictured someone in the bottom of a well. Terrible. Dark, slimy mossy walls, damp, a circle of daylight and sky above faraway out of reach. Cold. Then the well started to fill up, water seeping in at the bottom, wafting around her shoes and creeping higher and higher. Touching her hem, rising, rising. She panics, starts to claw at the walls, trying to get a grip, but the rock and the moss are unyielding to her fingers.
The water gets higher, more volume, so it's swirling around her, and she's frantic, and suddenly I realize! Don't panic! It's water! Don't struggle! Just float, and it will raise you closer to the top... float... FLOAT... please...
I realized later, this is what I hope this Buddhism study does for me. I hope it teaches me how to float.
_______________________________________________________
I have started listening to some lectures that are offered by a local Tibetan Buddhism center online. I liked what I heard, so I have gone ahead and contacted them about a meditation class. I start next week.
_______________________________________________________
The rowboat is the result of a similar vision. I'll go into detail about that one when I finish it, and post it for sale. As I move forward in this charm business, I have the feeling that many of my pieces will have stories like this attached to them. I have already added a "well charm" to the list - the ever-expanding list! - of charms I need to carve.
A bit of a backwards step working on the rowboat over the weekend though. I attempted some texturing, I'm not entirely happy with it, and I may have made it too thin for casting. I may have to start over.
_______________________________________________________
So, I have a tendency to mentally see things in visions or imagery, but not in a predictive or supernatural way. Not even usually in a dream, although these things come to me sometimes just as I wake up. It's just the way my mind functions. It's how I understand and process things, lots of visual analogies and metaphors.
This is the vision from the weekend. I pictured someone in the bottom of a well. Terrible. Dark, slimy mossy walls, damp, a circle of daylight and sky above faraway out of reach. Cold. Then the well started to fill up, water seeping in at the bottom, wafting around her shoes and creeping higher and higher. Touching her hem, rising, rising. She panics, starts to claw at the walls, trying to get a grip, but the rock and the moss are unyielding to her fingers.
The water gets higher, more volume, so it's swirling around her, and she's frantic, and suddenly I realize! Don't panic! It's water! Don't struggle! Just float, and it will raise you closer to the top... float... FLOAT... please...
I realized later, this is what I hope this Buddhism study does for me. I hope it teaches me how to float.
_______________________________________________________
I have started listening to some lectures that are offered by a local Tibetan Buddhism center online. I liked what I heard, so I have gone ahead and contacted them about a meditation class. I start next week.
_______________________________________________________
The rowboat is the result of a similar vision. I'll go into detail about that one when I finish it, and post it for sale. As I move forward in this charm business, I have the feeling that many of my pieces will have stories like this attached to them. I have already added a "well charm" to the list - the ever-expanding list! - of charms I need to carve.
A bit of a backwards step working on the rowboat over the weekend though. I attempted some texturing, I'm not entirely happy with it, and I may have made it too thin for casting. I may have to start over.
_______________________________________________________
Labels:
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Friday, September 17, 2010
wrestling with roller coasters
Listening to the radio has become a joy! Where I used to flick the television on to see if there are any disasters, now I flick the radio on when I go downstairs in the morning. I hear music instead of commercials and chatter (mostly), and it's oriented around my town, instead of New York, or Los Angeles.
Yesterday, listening to the local public radio station, I heard part of an interview with Natalie Goldberg. I was busy doing other things, but I caught a section where she talked about making her creativity part of her practice. Very interesting... I already have her "Writing Down the Bones" ... OH! I just checked. I have "Wild Mind" in my creativity library as well... Yay! Hmmm, I suspect the next few evenings will be quite busy re-reading these.
Anyway, I decided to go to the library to see if any of the available books of hers were directly about creativity as practice, and if I could maybe translate her writing instruction to my wax carving of silver charms. I found two books. One called "Thunder and Lightning", which seems more directly related to questions of writing, and a book called "The Great Failure".
That title grabbed me. I have had some major failings in personal relationships recently, and I was hoping, hoping, hoping that her failure (was this about her failure?) could help me with my own. It did. I read the whole thing in one evening. It also helped open up my perception about the Pema Chodron and Shambhala reading I've been doing.
_______________________________________________________
The rowboat is almost complete. I need to refine the shape a little more, carve the oars, and texture it, and then it's off to casting!
_______________________________________________________
Yesterday, listening to the local public radio station, I heard part of an interview with Natalie Goldberg. I was busy doing other things, but I caught a section where she talked about making her creativity part of her practice. Very interesting... I already have her "Writing Down the Bones" ... OH! I just checked. I have "Wild Mind" in my creativity library as well... Yay! Hmmm, I suspect the next few evenings will be quite busy re-reading these.
Anyway, I decided to go to the library to see if any of the available books of hers were directly about creativity as practice, and if I could maybe translate her writing instruction to my wax carving of silver charms. I found two books. One called "Thunder and Lightning", which seems more directly related to questions of writing, and a book called "The Great Failure".
That title grabbed me. I have had some major failings in personal relationships recently, and I was hoping, hoping, hoping that her failure (was this about her failure?) could help me with my own. It did. I read the whole thing in one evening. It also helped open up my perception about the Pema Chodron and Shambhala reading I've been doing.
"We spend our life on a roller coaster with rusty tracks, stuck to highs and lows, riding from one, trying to grab the other."Yes. I need to buy this book now. I think I'll get some Beyonce too... "to the left, to the left"...
_______________________________________________________
The rowboat is almost complete. I need to refine the shape a little more, carve the oars, and texture it, and then it's off to casting!
_______________________________________________________
Labels:
Beyonce,
creativity,
library,
Natalie Goldberg,
roller coaster,
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Saturday, September 11, 2010
the void part deux, or illusion illusion all around
Not long after I posted the last post about the void, I went back to Start Where You Are and almost immediately came upon a section that deals with dualism. I realized, my whole void spiel could lead to a sense of duality, which is not where I wanted to go. (By dualism here, I mean an idea of separateness, a convenient setup to categorize one thing as an "other", or different.)
I also chanced to look out the window, and the shadows of the leaves dancing on my roof made me think about the void being present. Not outside my little sphere, not somewhere else, but the void is here too. Shadows are absence of light - they can be seen, but are they manifest? Are they... something? So many things are not manifest, not "here", but are - thoughts, emotions, for example. They are causations, certainly - we say we do things because of them. But are they things? Do they have existence? What about the soul? What is that? Or spirit? Or personality?
Yeah. My little sphere of what I can hear, touch, see - it's an illusion. If nothing else, it's as full of the void as what I imagined outside of it. Nothing can be put safely away somewhere else.
I had been thinking of what was in the void, what I would have liked to relegate to the void. Out of sight, out of mind. Death. Death practically equals the void. The boogie monster, or whoever that is who is hiding under the bed/in the closet/beneath the stairs to the basement. He lives in the void, and if only I could find a way to keep him from leaping out at me when I least expect it!
Never. Never is of the void. Never has become the scariest word in the English language to me. I hate never.
But none of these things are really in the void, just as the void really is not somewhere else. The void is right here, by my side. Shadowing my every step. Containing the monsters and the demons and the never. They don't need to leap - they are right there. Not a far distance at all.
And back I go, trying to learn how not to struggle anymore.
_______________________________________________________
I had my first after-school-let's-do-the-homework session with my Little yesterday, and I'm already fail! We worked on science, not math, because the science was mathlike and she didn't have her book to do the math. It was fine, until we got to the extra credit problem. She said, "I don't have to do that", and I said, all enthusiastically, "Oh, but we do, it's extra credit and it's practice and it'll be great!!!"
Then we proceeded to stare at it for half an hour, until she finally said, "Maybe I should just ask my teacher..." and I had to concede I couldn't do it. Now I'm determined to figure it out. I know someone who is going to laugh at me heartily when he hears about this.
_______________________________________________________
Today I feel like a cork bobbling on the surface of a slightly wavy ocean, wondering where am I going and how is this going to all end up?
_______________________________________________________
I also chanced to look out the window, and the shadows of the leaves dancing on my roof made me think about the void being present. Not outside my little sphere, not somewhere else, but the void is here too. Shadows are absence of light - they can be seen, but are they manifest? Are they... something? So many things are not manifest, not "here", but are - thoughts, emotions, for example. They are causations, certainly - we say we do things because of them. But are they things? Do they have existence? What about the soul? What is that? Or spirit? Or personality?
Yeah. My little sphere of what I can hear, touch, see - it's an illusion. If nothing else, it's as full of the void as what I imagined outside of it. Nothing can be put safely away somewhere else.
I had been thinking of what was in the void, what I would have liked to relegate to the void. Out of sight, out of mind. Death. Death practically equals the void. The boogie monster, or whoever that is who is hiding under the bed/in the closet/beneath the stairs to the basement. He lives in the void, and if only I could find a way to keep him from leaping out at me when I least expect it!
Never. Never is of the void. Never has become the scariest word in the English language to me. I hate never.
But none of these things are really in the void, just as the void really is not somewhere else. The void is right here, by my side. Shadowing my every step. Containing the monsters and the demons and the never. They don't need to leap - they are right there. Not a far distance at all.
And back I go, trying to learn how not to struggle anymore.
_______________________________________________________
I had my first after-school-let's-do-the-homework session with my Little yesterday, and I'm already fail! We worked on science, not math, because the science was mathlike and she didn't have her book to do the math. It was fine, until we got to the extra credit problem. She said, "I don't have to do that", and I said, all enthusiastically, "Oh, but we do, it's extra credit and it's practice and it'll be great!!!"
Then we proceeded to stare at it for half an hour, until she finally said, "Maybe I should just ask my teacher..." and I had to concede I couldn't do it. Now I'm determined to figure it out. I know someone who is going to laugh at me heartily when he hears about this.
_______________________________________________________
Today I feel like a cork bobbling on the surface of a slightly wavy ocean, wondering where am I going and how is this going to all end up?
_______________________________________________________
Thursday, September 9, 2010
the void (or the sphere of sensibility)
Dealing with some loss, and the griefing process, and also still with Shambhala and Pema Chodron, I've had some.... not depressing thoughts, but... um.... thoughtful thoughts.
I'm not sure when I started thinking about the void. Maybe it was last week, when I decided to cancel the cable. I used to be a rabid television watcher, but the first part of this year I stopped almost completely. (BP? Oil spill? Huh?) Going back to it this summer, I noticed I wasn't really watching it, so much as endlessly flipping through the channels in search of something TO watch. There was not much interesting to see. And WAY too many commercials. Plus, Comcast has added a crawl on the bottom of the screen, something about "digital improvements" blah blah blah - which will either cost me more money per month, or it means I have to buy a new television because mine isn't... digital enough, I guess.
I called Comcast to find out, and the customer service woman implied that I was stealing channels - getting channels that I wasn't paying for. As if I had hacked it. Which I didn't. I can't help it if they can't keep track of what gets piped into my home. Anyway, she made it very easy to cancel it in an indignant huff. Plus, I'm getting a new ISP, so I think I'll be able to stream most shows I want to see. And I have 464 movies on my list at Netflix. There will be plenty to watch.
Still, there is a sense of losing a connection to the world. The ability to see things in real time - watching the news on September 11th comes to mind. But for the most part, it doesn't seem to be information I need to know, or that has any real bearing on my life, or that I can't access elsewhere, like the library or the internet.
It does, however, seem to make me be less present to what is directly around me.
I had this thought, a few days ago, that the only things I can truly know are those things directly in my line of sight. Or smell, or taste, or touch, or hear. As if there is a sphere of sensibility that surrounds me, and moves with me, and that is what I can actually know.
And it is all I can know. Everything beyond, or outside of the sphere, is essentially void. I cannot know it, I cannot possess it, I cannot control anything outside the sphere. I have to trust, as I move around, that my body carries the sphere of sensibility with it, so I can be present anywhere - but then the other stuff no longer in the sphere becomes void.
The visual of it is not unlike the photos of the planet Earth as it drifts in space. All the blackness of the void. Kinda scary :(
These electronic things - cell phones, internet, television - seem to extend our sphere of sensibility. Little thin lines of electrons spewing out to and fro, circling the world. If you are very active... well, there's a reason they call it the web.
Yet, the digital age is so ephemeral. Not like when you used to get a postcard, or a letter. If it were special, it gets a pretty box, and the letter lives in it, and the box lives in a special drawer. Go to the box, open the drawer, take the letter out and look at it again. Hold it in your hand, and show it to other people. Eventually, it would show the wear and tear, the patina of the journey, developing a worn spot where your fingers touch it, and a fine progression of wrinkles where the paper bends as you turn it over time and time again.
Now, in our digital age, when the line is cut, it's gone. No evidence that it - the feeling, the thought, the memory, even the person - even existed. Disposable. Don't even have to carry out the trash.
Poof.
Ephemeral or not. :)
_______________________________________________________
I'm not sure when I started thinking about the void. Maybe it was last week, when I decided to cancel the cable. I used to be a rabid television watcher, but the first part of this year I stopped almost completely. (BP? Oil spill? Huh?) Going back to it this summer, I noticed I wasn't really watching it, so much as endlessly flipping through the channels in search of something TO watch. There was not much interesting to see. And WAY too many commercials. Plus, Comcast has added a crawl on the bottom of the screen, something about "digital improvements" blah blah blah - which will either cost me more money per month, or it means I have to buy a new television because mine isn't... digital enough, I guess.
I called Comcast to find out, and the customer service woman implied that I was stealing channels - getting channels that I wasn't paying for. As if I had hacked it. Which I didn't. I can't help it if they can't keep track of what gets piped into my home. Anyway, she made it very easy to cancel it in an indignant huff. Plus, I'm getting a new ISP, so I think I'll be able to stream most shows I want to see. And I have 464 movies on my list at Netflix. There will be plenty to watch.
Still, there is a sense of losing a connection to the world. The ability to see things in real time - watching the news on September 11th comes to mind. But for the most part, it doesn't seem to be information I need to know, or that has any real bearing on my life, or that I can't access elsewhere, like the library or the internet.
It does, however, seem to make me be less present to what is directly around me.
I had this thought, a few days ago, that the only things I can truly know are those things directly in my line of sight. Or smell, or taste, or touch, or hear. As if there is a sphere of sensibility that surrounds me, and moves with me, and that is what I can actually know.
And it is all I can know. Everything beyond, or outside of the sphere, is essentially void. I cannot know it, I cannot possess it, I cannot control anything outside the sphere. I have to trust, as I move around, that my body carries the sphere of sensibility with it, so I can be present anywhere - but then the other stuff no longer in the sphere becomes void.
The visual of it is not unlike the photos of the planet Earth as it drifts in space. All the blackness of the void. Kinda scary :(
These electronic things - cell phones, internet, television - seem to extend our sphere of sensibility. Little thin lines of electrons spewing out to and fro, circling the world. If you are very active... well, there's a reason they call it the web.
Yet, the digital age is so ephemeral. Not like when you used to get a postcard, or a letter. If it were special, it gets a pretty box, and the letter lives in it, and the box lives in a special drawer. Go to the box, open the drawer, take the letter out and look at it again. Hold it in your hand, and show it to other people. Eventually, it would show the wear and tear, the patina of the journey, developing a worn spot where your fingers touch it, and a fine progression of wrinkles where the paper bends as you turn it over time and time again.
Now, in our digital age, when the line is cut, it's gone. No evidence that it - the feeling, the thought, the memory, even the person - even existed. Disposable. Don't even have to carry out the trash.
Poof.
It's one reason I think I am really going to like this business that I am starting - silver charms for charm bracelets. Little shiny memories, feelings and thoughts you can roll around in your fingertips. Keeping the void at bay.
I know, I know. That's an illusion, too. Paper doesn't last. Silver doesn't last. In some ways, maybe the digital age is more honest. The void is ever encroaching, bigger than our powers can comprehend.
As I said elsewhere, it is why we must be brave.
Sound depressing? It could be. But I realized this morning - what Shambhala is trying to teach me is that the only way to live, the only way to keep the darkness at bay as a human being, is to remain open. To know and accept that the void is there, to shine the light as bright as possible, and to expand the sphere - this gift of existence that I have been given - as much as I can.
_______________________________________________________
Labels:
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Friday, September 3, 2010
messages, thoughts, and beliefs
I am ruminating about Shambhala, tumbling the words over and over in my head, which seems to resemble a rock tumbler... complete with rocks.
There is a section in Chapter Nine: Celebrating the Journey, the part about the bow and arrow, and messages. When I read it the first time, I had great trouble with this section, but it seemed very rich and full even though I didn't understand it, or know how to incorporate it in a practice.
I was thinking about messages, and thoughts and beliefs today. I verbalized for myself the idea that it is not the thoughts that are troublesome. According to this book, you just label them "thoughts", and allow them to float away. To this end, I like to visualize my thoughts being written on little scraps of some sort of melty paperlike substance, and I catch them and pin them on the inside of my skull and let them dissolve, rather than let them float around. It gets clogged in there if I don't pin them down.
But I have the habit of letting thoughts solidify. They become rock hard, then immoveable. Or sometimes they become brittle and then they break and become shards and stab me with their little sharp edges. It's not the thoughts that are troublesome. It's my habit of making them solid. They become beliefs. Big, beefy, heavy, sharp, brittle, rocklike beliefs. Even if they aren't true. Then I eventually do something neurotic because of them.
So, thinking these things, I went back. I looked up "messages" in the index of the book, and found that section again, and there were these words that leapt out at me:
In case anyone is wondering, this book does have something to do with creativity. I'm not sure exactly what yet... but I was originally introduced to it by one of my art teachers. She assigned it as the text for a previous jewelry-making class, two or three years ago. If I remember, I'll ask her when I see her next week (I am currently in another of her classes.)
If nothing else, I am hopeful that it will prevent me from making neurotic art.
To that end, work progresses; here is the lil boat today:
_______________________________________________________
There is a section in Chapter Nine: Celebrating the Journey, the part about the bow and arrow, and messages. When I read it the first time, I had great trouble with this section, but it seemed very rich and full even though I didn't understand it, or know how to incorporate it in a practice.
I was thinking about messages, and thoughts and beliefs today. I verbalized for myself the idea that it is not the thoughts that are troublesome. According to this book, you just label them "thoughts", and allow them to float away. To this end, I like to visualize my thoughts being written on little scraps of some sort of melty paperlike substance, and I catch them and pin them on the inside of my skull and let them dissolve, rather than let them float around. It gets clogged in there if I don't pin them down.
But I have the habit of letting thoughts solidify. They become rock hard, then immoveable. Or sometimes they become brittle and then they break and become shards and stab me with their little sharp edges. It's not the thoughts that are troublesome. It's my habit of making them solid. They become beliefs. Big, beefy, heavy, sharp, brittle, rocklike beliefs. Even if they aren't true. Then I eventually do something neurotic because of them.
So, thinking these things, I went back. I looked up "messages" in the index of the book, and found that section again, and there were these words that leapt out at me:
"You want to look at every situation and examine it, so that you won't be fooling yourself by relying on belief alone..."Maybe I am absorbing some of this book after all! That whole section now makes a kind of sense to me. And it's great. I love these kinds of books - so rich, and so deep, and you can go back to them year after year and discover something new.
In case anyone is wondering, this book does have something to do with creativity. I'm not sure exactly what yet... but I was originally introduced to it by one of my art teachers. She assigned it as the text for a previous jewelry-making class, two or three years ago. If I remember, I'll ask her when I see her next week (I am currently in another of her classes.)
If nothing else, I am hopeful that it will prevent me from making neurotic art.
To that end, work progresses; here is the lil boat today:
lil boat |
_______________________________________________________
Labels:
archery,
bow and arrow,
creativity,
neuroses,
rock tumbler,
Shambhala
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
results with sun
So... here is final result, with new setup, midtone background, and natural light:
Not bad. Look at the detail in the towel!! At least one can see what I meant in publishing the photo.
I need to revise the rowboat design just a little. Time to carve!
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Not bad. Look at the detail in the towel!! At least one can see what I meant in publishing the photo.
I need to revise the rowboat design just a little. Time to carve!
_______________________________________________________
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
a modicum of success
Here is an update on the painting:
This photo was taken with the new lighting setup:
Which.... in camera, it all looked great! Still a little dark though, once I'm looking at them on the computer. Especially the work in progress shot depicted here. I'm thinking... there might be an averaging thing going on, either in the camera, or when I download the pics. Also, I realized I am trying to get accuracy and light on very high contrast... on a white white paper and a dark dark object (the green wax). So... I'm going to have to fudge with it a bit more.
But the colors in the painting are better, so... progress was made. Again, any tips would be welcome. (Yes, I know the one lamp is pointed in the wrong direction. I fixed it, no worries.)
Three desk lamps, one 3-headed floor lamp, six CFL 100W lightbulbs, and one clear storage box (diffuses the light, although there are still shadow issues) all gotten at Lowe's and I think I spent less than $100 bucks on the setup. And the box will store all the stuff when I'm through with it! Woot!
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This photo was taken with the new lighting setup:
Which.... in camera, it all looked great! Still a little dark though, once I'm looking at them on the computer. Especially the work in progress shot depicted here. I'm thinking... there might be an averaging thing going on, either in the camera, or when I download the pics. Also, I realized I am trying to get accuracy and light on very high contrast... on a white white paper and a dark dark object (the green wax). So... I'm going to have to fudge with it a bit more.
But the colors in the painting are better, so... progress was made. Again, any tips would be welcome. (Yes, I know the one lamp is pointed in the wrong direction. I fixed it, no worries.)
Three desk lamps, one 3-headed floor lamp, six CFL 100W lightbulbs, and one clear storage box (diffuses the light, although there are still shadow issues) all gotten at Lowe's and I think I spent less than $100 bucks on the setup. And the box will store all the stuff when I'm through with it! Woot!
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work in progress
Friday, August 27, 2010
grandparents
Gosh this seems like a good idea...
I only got to know one of my grandparents. It's nice that one can access some on the internet.
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I only got to know one of my grandparents. It's nice that one can access some on the internet.
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Wednesday, August 25, 2010
schooltime!!
I love the autumn, it's my favorite time of year. Even though the asphalt is still soft, autumn is practically here, since school started yesterday.
I signed up to take the casting class again. After more than a year break, I decided it would help focus me. I adore my teacher, and the group this year is full of interesting folks. It should be very very good!!
I am overflowing with ideas; I'm going to work this morning a little on just writing them all down. In class yesterday I did some sketching and some old ideas came flooding back to me. I need to really buckle down - my goal is to carve one charm a week, and then finish one other artwork besides that. Christmas is coming, and I need to fill my shop!
I also need to fulfill my CE requirements for the real job, and my birthday is coming up. It's going to be a busy week. But I'm very inspired and excited.
I really like what this guy does.
hint: move your mouse and watch their heads swivel....
_______________________________________________________
I signed up to take the casting class again. After more than a year break, I decided it would help focus me. I adore my teacher, and the group this year is full of interesting folks. It should be very very good!!
I am overflowing with ideas; I'm going to work this morning a little on just writing them all down. In class yesterday I did some sketching and some old ideas came flooding back to me. I need to really buckle down - my goal is to carve one charm a week, and then finish one other artwork besides that. Christmas is coming, and I need to fill my shop!
I also need to fulfill my CE requirements for the real job, and my birthday is coming up. It's going to be a busy week. But I'm very inspired and excited.
I really like what this guy does.
hint: move your mouse and watch their heads swivel....
_______________________________________________________
Saturday, August 21, 2010
people who care
Working on Shambhala, he talks a lot about tenderness of the heart, the broken heart. I've found this confusing, and unspecific. I haven't been sure how to work with it. Sometimes I think, "Oh, I wish this were in English!"
But it is in English, and there's nothing wrong with the English. It's the concept that's foreign.
Yesterday, I had a thought. "People who care don't let go." I was very pleased with myself. It was all nice and tidy.
"People who care don't let go." Oh, I thought it explained so much!
As I kept thinking about it though, I realized - it's too easy. I'm right at Chapter Seven, the part about the cocoon. Is this something I have pinned to the wall of my cocoon? Right there next to the Peter Frampton poster?
"People who care don't let go."
There's something trite about it. Something self-righteous. Something controlling. It allows me to vilify, and to stick everyone who has left into a category. It's judgmental. It's a good line in a bad movie - the kind of line they would put in the trailer to make you think, "Oh, this movie is going to be good, it's clever!" Then you watch the movie and you realize.... no, it isn't.
Then I changed it.
"People who care do let go."
Wow, that's painful.
But it explains a lot too. It feels more open. Anger and fear drops away, and all that's left is truth and space.
"People who care do let go."
There is space, but there's no room left for vilification or judgment. Or ego. It is only space.
It just is. It isn't "about" and it isn't "because". It just is.
It makes much more sense.
It's a real good poke with a stick, that.
The heart does feel more tender, and more full.
It's why we need to be brave.
_______________________________________________________
But it is in English, and there's nothing wrong with the English. It's the concept that's foreign.
Yesterday, I had a thought. "People who care don't let go." I was very pleased with myself. It was all nice and tidy.
"People who care don't let go." Oh, I thought it explained so much!
As I kept thinking about it though, I realized - it's too easy. I'm right at Chapter Seven, the part about the cocoon. Is this something I have pinned to the wall of my cocoon? Right there next to the Peter Frampton poster?
"People who care don't let go."
There's something trite about it. Something self-righteous. Something controlling. It allows me to vilify, and to stick everyone who has left into a category. It's judgmental. It's a good line in a bad movie - the kind of line they would put in the trailer to make you think, "Oh, this movie is going to be good, it's clever!" Then you watch the movie and you realize.... no, it isn't.
Then I changed it.
"People who care do let go."
Wow, that's painful.
But it explains a lot too. It feels more open. Anger and fear drops away, and all that's left is truth and space.
"People who care do let go."
There is space, but there's no room left for vilification or judgment. Or ego. It is only space.
It just is. It isn't "about" and it isn't "because". It just is.
It makes much more sense.
It's a real good poke with a stick, that.
The heart does feel more tender, and more full.
It's why we need to be brave.
_______________________________________________________
Labels:
bravery,
Broken Heart,
care,
cocoon,
concept,
English,
movie trailers,
Peter Frampton,
Shambhala,
tenderness
Friday, August 20, 2010
seeds
Whew!! Finally got the other website done (at my other job) and so now I'm over the hump! Woot! Now there's just the marketing and the SEO and the updating........... ... .. . oh.
Well, I should have more time for wax carving and artwork though! I've already added a layer of color to the blue pear; I'm waiting for that to dry and then I'll add another layer. I should count the layers. I'm on... five? six? I'm not sure at the moment. Next painting! I'll be anal retentive and count!!
Hmmmm, I just realized, I'm doing what the kids do! I volunteer at an art program in our local schools, and when we do paintings, the kids never want to fill in the background. The teachers show them Matisse and tell them, "Fill in the background!" The kids make these tiny little figures and leave all the white space and then scream out, "I'm finished!!" Lazy monkeys...
I never fill in the backgrounds on my pears either. Oh wait, that's not true. There's a big painting of a pear in my living room, and the background is filled in. But.... that's because it was done on an old canvas I got from a flea market or something, and it was under my bed for a loooooooooonggggg time... and it was covered in dust. It was filthy. I had to paint over it, and I just used the line that the dust formed as a separator. It looks like the pear is sitting on a windowsill or something.
That's the only background I've done though.
Thinking about what I should be carving - I need a Christmas project to go with the star... maybe a camel? Then I'm also thinking of putting the heart aside for a bit - save it for Valentine's Day - and working on some earrings inspired by seeds instead. Which is odd, since it's harvest time... oooooh, farmers market tomorrow!!
But I have a thing about seeds and beans... so seeds it is! I think...
_______________________________________________________
Well, I should have more time for wax carving and artwork though! I've already added a layer of color to the blue pear; I'm waiting for that to dry and then I'll add another layer. I should count the layers. I'm on... five? six? I'm not sure at the moment. Next painting! I'll be anal retentive and count!!
Hmmmm, I just realized, I'm doing what the kids do! I volunteer at an art program in our local schools, and when we do paintings, the kids never want to fill in the background. The teachers show them Matisse and tell them, "Fill in the background!" The kids make these tiny little figures and leave all the white space and then scream out, "I'm finished!!" Lazy monkeys...
I never fill in the backgrounds on my pears either. Oh wait, that's not true. There's a big painting of a pear in my living room, and the background is filled in. But.... that's because it was done on an old canvas I got from a flea market or something, and it was under my bed for a loooooooooonggggg time... and it was covered in dust. It was filthy. I had to paint over it, and I just used the line that the dust formed as a separator. It looks like the pear is sitting on a windowsill or something.
That's the only background I've done though.
Thinking about what I should be carving - I need a Christmas project to go with the star... maybe a camel? Then I'm also thinking of putting the heart aside for a bit - save it for Valentine's Day - and working on some earrings inspired by seeds instead. Which is odd, since it's harvest time... oooooh, farmers market tomorrow!!
But I have a thing about seeds and beans... so seeds it is! I think...
_______________________________________________________
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Failure is not an option!!
I am wax carving again!! I started yesterday, on one of the heart projects I have in mind. A broken heart.
I saw my Little (Little Sister, I am part of Big Brothers Big Sisters and highly recommend it). I hadn't seen her in a bit, and school is starting, so I called her on Friday and we drove up to the mountains and took some photographs. I told her my idea for this project - she's 15 and probably the right demographic to buy it - and she liked it. So I started on it yesterday.
In case you don't know what wax carving is... I post an old example from last year:
To make something that looks like that ^...
first you have to carve it out of wax, and it looks like this:
I carve things out of wax and then take them to the nice man and he casts them in silver for me. I also have a moon in this series... visit my shop on etsy to see what's available.
Just the act of hauling out the tools relieved some of the tension I was feeling. Pity parties suck. I feel bad, then I feel bad about feeling bad, then I feel guilty about feeling bad about feeling bad.... potential for endless suckage. I can only have U2 and Green Day on repeat for so long before the neighbors start complaining...
My Little failed algebra, so I have decided to learn it and then tutor her. Failure is not an option!! I was terrible at math in school. However, after searching the library and the internet, I found a GREAT resource for anyone who wants to learn math - Danica McKellars' math books. The first one is Math Doesn't Suck: How to Survive Middle School Math Without Losing Your Mind or Breaking a Nail which I do not have yet. I have the second one, the pre-algebra one - and it's fantastic! Especially for girls... I may go and purchase the first one this afternoon (I'm having the teensiest bit of trouble still with fractions and square roots.)
BUT!!!! I can't believe it! I actually am understanding math!!!
_______________________________________________________
I saw my Little (Little Sister, I am part of Big Brothers Big Sisters and highly recommend it). I hadn't seen her in a bit, and school is starting, so I called her on Friday and we drove up to the mountains and took some photographs. I told her my idea for this project - she's 15 and probably the right demographic to buy it - and she liked it. So I started on it yesterday.
In case you don't know what wax carving is... I post an old example from last year:
xmas star in sterling silver |
To make something that looks like that ^...
first you have to carve it out of wax, and it looks like this:
wax carving of xmas star |
Just the act of hauling out the tools relieved some of the tension I was feeling. Pity parties suck. I feel bad, then I feel bad about feeling bad, then I feel guilty about feeling bad about feeling bad.... potential for endless suckage. I can only have U2 and Green Day on repeat for so long before the neighbors start complaining...
My Little failed algebra, so I have decided to learn it and then tutor her. Failure is not an option!! I was terrible at math in school. However, after searching the library and the internet, I found a GREAT resource for anyone who wants to learn math - Danica McKellars' math books. The first one is Math Doesn't Suck: How to Survive Middle School Math Without Losing Your Mind or Breaking a Nail which I do not have yet. I have the second one, the pre-algebra one - and it's fantastic! Especially for girls... I may go and purchase the first one this afternoon (I'm having the teensiest bit of trouble still with fractions and square roots.)
BUT!!!! I can't believe it! I actually am understanding math!!!
_______________________________________________________
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
abandon all hope
A number of circumstances have turned me back towards my spiritual books. Most notably "Shambhala Sacred Path of the Warrior". I am also reading - from the beginning this time! - Pema Chodron's "Start Where You Are".
I am reading it from the start, trying to meditate. Flipping through the pages, I came across the heading "Abandon all hope of fruition", which was intriguing to say the least! So I took a few moments and actually read that chapter, out of order.
The heading sounds downright forlorn. But it wasn't. It was very helpful, actually. Funny, how that works. Abandon all hope - yet I feel as if a weight has been lifted.
I actually - gasp - took my painting out onto the roof deck to use natural light. It is a bright beautiful FULLY SUNNY afternoon... and the picture still came out too dark. The painting is more vibrant in person :)
(I cheated a lil - I did mess with this photo in a digital art program. Feel free to pass on any photography tips! Should I just buy brighter light bulbs?)
P.S. haha writing the tags, I just wrote out "sunshine warrior"... I like that...
_______________________________________________________
I am reading it from the start, trying to meditate. Flipping through the pages, I came across the heading "Abandon all hope of fruition", which was intriguing to say the least! So I took a few moments and actually read that chapter, out of order.
The heading sounds downright forlorn. But it wasn't. It was very helpful, actually. Funny, how that works. Abandon all hope - yet I feel as if a weight has been lifted.
I actually - gasp - took my painting out onto the roof deck to use natural light. It is a bright beautiful FULLY SUNNY afternoon... and the picture still came out too dark. The painting is more vibrant in person :)
(I cheated a lil - I did mess with this photo in a digital art program. Feel free to pass on any photography tips! Should I just buy brighter light bulbs?)
P.S. haha writing the tags, I just wrote out "sunshine warrior"... I like that...
_______________________________________________________
Labels:
abandon,
fruition,
hope,
pears,
pema chodron,
photography,
sunshine,
Warrior
Monday, August 9, 2010
actual artwork
As this blog is supposed to be about creativity, I thought I might post some actual creative work...
this is a finished watercolor painting, the first pair of pears I ever did. not yet framed. for sale! feel free to inquire.
this is a single pear, work in progress. sometimes it's a shame to continue, they have such life in the early stages. it was meant to be blue, maybe it will end up blue when I'm finished... but i'm rather fond of this turquoise green color i found.
thinking of someone who is having surgery today... get well soon!!
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this is a finished watercolor painting, the first pair of pears I ever did. not yet framed. for sale! feel free to inquire.
this is a single pear, work in progress. sometimes it's a shame to continue, they have such life in the early stages. it was meant to be blue, maybe it will end up blue when I'm finished... but i'm rather fond of this turquoise green color i found.
thinking of someone who is having surgery today... get well soon!!
_______________________________________________________
Labels:
art,
blue,
creativity,
painting,
pears,
pencil,
turquoise green,
watercolors
Monday, August 2, 2010
warrior world
That combination of love affair and loneliness is what enables the warrior to constantly reach out to help others. By renouncing his private world, the warrior discovers a greater universe and a fuller and fuller broken heart.
-Shambhala, The Sacred Path of the Warrior, by Chogyam Trungpa
Oy, I need to redesign this thing today, or at some point. I'm still working on my other website.
But this one needs some visual depth...
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Labels:
Broken Heart,
Chogyam Trungpa,
Sacred,
Shambhala,
Warrior
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Moreover, I, on my side, require of every writer, first or last, a simple and sincere account of his own life, and not merely what he has heard of other men's lives; some such account as he would send to his kindred from a distant land; for if he has lived sincerely it must have been in a distant land to me.
-Walden: or, Life in the Woods, by Henry David Thoreau
oooooh looky! a baby cricket!!!!
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